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February 23rd, 2011

03:35 pm: So, my dad's visit to Boston for my Birthday ALMOST went off without a hitch. Overall, success. Had a great dinner last night with gram Burke, my dad, Kellie and Jack at GenkiYa. Some of the best sushi of my life!!! Breakfast at the Breakfast Club this morning and then visited the Isabella Gardner museum downtown. Life is really wonderful. Until people bring up how much I suck at it. But, it's okay. They're right so I really can't get upset about it. Just thought for my birthday it wouldn't get brought up. Hopes are sometimes too high.

Happy Birthday week to me! lol. I can't wait for this weekend. I would live in a dirt pit if it meant I could be surrounded by my favorite people all the time. I guess I'll have to settle with being surrounded by them for my birthday weekend. It's going to be amazing! Lots of love.

My birthday present to myself:

I will no longer live with regrets and guilt. The past is the past and this is my new beginning. With all the love in my heart there is no room for the rest of that nonsense. Self doubt is out the window!!!
Now I just have to hold myself to it.

Half of a great century gone by and the next half will be even better. :)

Burke out.

February 15th, 2011

03:13 am: Valentine's Day
So yesterday, was valentine's day. The day many people dread. Either because they are single and alone or they are pulling their hair out over what to do for their significant other. There are also those fine few who don't give it a second thought and are content in being happy with what they have and who they get to spend their days with. To those of you, cheers. I am glad to finally be a part of the group.

With all of the internal stress I put on myself in all aspects of my life...I can finally say, my relationship is not one of them. In fact, Joseph makes those parts of my life so much easier.

I didn't write a post about him at first because honestly, I didn't really know what to say. I didn't want to say all of the gushy things I say when I'm first falling in love with someone. Reason one being, I was usually wrong. I easily fall in love and boy do I fall hard, missing every little sign along the way that something isn't quite right. I was determined to not let that ever happen to me again. Reason two being, I just couldn't handle it if someone else were to break my heart. I guess that's pretty much the same as number one. Oh well.

Let me ask some of you girls this question. Have you ever been with someone you thought you loved and believed whole heartedly you were going to marry someday, yet some nights you would lay awake beside them in bed thinking that you had never felt more alone. Did it ever make you so sad that you would cry yourself to sleep and the next morning write it off as you being a crazy woman with too many emotions that needed to be controlled? I have. In every serious relationship. Every one. Except this one...

I just realized it. That this has not yet happened to me once...while in other relationships I've had, by this time it would have been a common occurrence. I was wide awake laying here after a wonderful, completely non-stressful, and totally amazing valentine's day, while he was falling asleep. I was feeling slightly disappointed that I wasn't tired enough yet to fall asleep with him. There was no feeling of emptiness, like something was missing. There was no hunger for something more. There was no ominous, heavy feeling of disappointment weighing down on me. Just content.

I've come to realize from experiences of my own and witnessing others in their relationships as well, that nothing is certain. Many people make themselves believe in certainty because they can't bare it otherwise. This works for many people but not me. Life is uncertain. The only things I am certain of are this...

#1 You must must must be happy alone before you can ever know who you truly are and what you have to offer in a relationship. You have to be aware of your flaws, recognize them for what they are, and accept them before you can ever expect someone else to.

#2 Life is beautiful. You don't need someone to share it with to see that. You don't even need them to see the same things you do. You just need them to understand you and accept you. That won't happen until you understand and accept yourself.

#3 If you don't have an honest relationship, it will fail. When I say honest, I mean completely and totally honest. Everything. If they can't handle the truth, they can't handle you.

I have had so many relationships where I doubted my sanity. I doubted who I was. I questioned myself and wondered why I had to be such a difficult person to be with. I just hadn't found the right person. Joseph may still not be the right person. Like I said, no one can ever be certain. But it sure does feel right. I feel lucky.

Don't get me wrong. Those three things may not be exactly right for everyone. I'm just saying what I know about myself. Hoping maybe some people could learn and grow from my experiences. Maybe some of you who still keep up on LJ can put in a few things you have learned over the years. I would love to hear them!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Love you all!

Finally tired...

November 20th, 2010

01:30 pm: "Brand New Day"
Some kind of magic
Happens late at night
When the moon smiles down on me
And bathes me in it's light

I fell asleep beneath you
In the tall blades of grass
When I woke the world was new
I never had to ask

It's a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It's a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I'll be ok

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
Most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past

Ya you make your past your passed

It's a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It's a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I'll be ok

This cycle never ends
You gotta fall in order to mend

And it's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
For the first time
Inn such a long long time
I know
I'll be ok

~Joshua Radin~

Current Mood: awake

July 20th, 2010

12:31 am: "All Time Lows"
Whether or not the weather is on my side
We could be together if i stay bright eyed
I can feel the summer sending signs of fall
I see a happy ending if i stand up tall

Whether or not this cold front is moving in
Or its just vacation and well soon be friends
I know i cant avoid her shes in the air
May as well polaroid her with the way i stare

Whether or not our season will soon be done
I think ive got a reason to enjoy the sun
I hear the forecast aint as bad as it seems
It should be clearing up soon if only in dreams

Ooo tonight the stars are oh so bright.
Ive gotta get outdoors while the weathers still here
Ive gotta take in the starlight before it disappears
A chance lasts a finite time in the warm july night time
So take in all you can :)

Current Music: hellogoodbye!

July 7th, 2010

11:47 pm: down on my luck
Well the future's got me worried such awful thoughts
My head's a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops
I just want someone to walk in front
And I'll follow the leader
Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush
Started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs
I almost forgot who I was
But came to my senses

Now I'm trying to be assertive, I'm making plans
Want to rise to the occasion, yeah meet all their demands
But all I do is just lay in bed
And hide under the covers

Yeah I know I should be brave
But I'm just too afraid of all this change

And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt
I keep making this to-do list but nothing gets crossed out
Working on the record seems pointless now
When the world ends who's gonna hear it?

But I'm trying to take some comfort in written words
Yeah Tim, I heard your album and it's better than good
When you get off tour I think we should
Hang and black out together

Cause I've been feeling sentimental for days gone by
All those summers singing, drinking, laughin', wasting our time
Remember all those songs and the way we smiled
In those basements made of music?

But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all
I'm not as strong as I thought

So when I'm lost in a crowd, I hope that you'll pick me out
I long to be found, the grass grew high, I laid down
Now I'll wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand
I've been laying so long, don't wanna lay here no more
Don't wanna lay here no more, don't wanna lay here no more

Everything that happens is supposed to be
And it's all pre-determined, can't change your destiny
Guess I'll just keep moving, someday maybe
I'll get to where I'm going

Current Location: out back on a leather couch
Current Music: bright eyes

July 2nd, 2010

10:00 pm: Time really is the only medicine.
My theme song about a year ago:

The snow fell and it followed me
From the mountains down South
To the big city
And I fell in love,
I guess that didn't take long
You can't imagine how fast
I fucked that one up

Got back on my feet
Did a little spring cleaning
I mean I even cleaned the kitchen
I cleaned everything.
It was all a trap
I just fell into black
I'm like a runaway kid
I don't think I'm ever coming back

I don't know where I am.
I've been drinking more than I ever have
And maybe it ain't so bad.
I just drink 'til I can't see,
Close my eyes and go to bed.
Just go to bed.

This morning heat is bothering me
I don't wanna get up,
Just wanna go to sleep.
'Cause I swear to God,
I ain't never falling in love,
'Cause I don't want to have to clean it up.
So I'll just wait
'Til night rolls around and it gets late
And I'll meet up with the band
And drink a case.
And we'll get drunk
No, it won't take long
'Til I can't pretend
There's nothing wrong

I don't know where I am.
I've been drinking more than I ever have
And maybe it ain't so bad.
I just drink 'til I can't speak,
Close my eyes and go to bed.
Just go to bed.

But, ohhh, I wish someone would just hear me.
Maybe a man to set me free.
Oh Maybe he could take care of me
And help me wake up from this dream.

'Cause I don't know where I am.
And I've been drinking more than I ever have,
But maybe it ain't so bad,
I just drink 'til I can't speak,
Close my eyes and go to bed.
Just go to bed

October by Olin and the Moon

How I feel now:

Another perfect day
they keep piling up.
I got happiness that I can maintain
some beginner's luck.

I had shoes to fill
walkin' barefoot now.
Can't tell north from south
but no split hairs gonna get me down.

I'm stayin' above the flat line
I'm ahead of the curve.
Take a piece of the sunshine with me
on a red eye flight to another world.

It isn't any trouble
if you wanna come with me.
I know it's out of the question, honey
but I sure could use the company
and a place to be.

Now the sky is pink
rooftop swimmin' pool.
I'm not carefree, no
I'm free to care
I just never do.

All the bags are checked
and the reasons why.
Yesterday lingers on
that's the peace you keep when you say goodbye.

You can get what you want now
knock it out of the park.
Bury it by the river
Easy, there's a search party but it's gettin' dark.

I won't hold you to nothin'
I wanna make that plane.
Probably end up a stranger, crazy
but I'm still hoping there's another way
and a place to stay.

What a scene has got you sentimental
when the night comes, when the knot comes loose.
All the things you've put up on the mantle
What a shame. What a shame.
It's old news.

I'm stayin' above the flat line
I'm ahead of the curve.
Take a piece of the sunshine with me
on an all night drive to another world.

You can get what you want now
knock it out of the park.
Probably end up a drifter, lonely
but I'm still hoping for a change of heart
and a place to start.

Ahead of the Curve by The Monsters of Folk

Some might say the second song is not much less depressing but I think I'm pretty proud of myself for letting him go. As much as I could anyway. I AM hoping for a change of heart and a place to start. What a relief.

Current Mood: excitedexcited

June 14th, 2010

11:09 pm: Vanilla Twilight :)
The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Owl City

March 23rd, 2010

06:54 am: Stranger
I was leaning over one of many clothing racks, tediously adjusting and rearranging what had already been done and will be done again and again, when a wave hit me. A cool, sweet, familiar wave. I got weak in the knees. I almost had to sit on the floor right where I stood and it took everything I had to make sure the customers fluttering around me didn't notice this split second loss of control. I checked quickly, they hadn't. What was that? Why did it effect me that way? And then again...so sweet, so all over me, so him. It hadn't drifted past me so fervently in over a year yet I remember him like it was yesterday. His taste, his breath, the sound of his voice, the complete sense of safety I felt as he held me. Everything all at once. Did anyone notice this time? No. Breathe in deeper. Will it come again? Yes there it is. Breathe in deeper. This happened over and over again for the rest of the evening...and the next day. Was someone playing a cruel joke on me? Impossible. I had visions of him walking into the store. What would I say to him? Nothing. That night, I lingered behind everyone else waiting to leave as I was not in as big of a rush as the rest to head home to bed so I could wake up and spend my day the same way tomorrow. He was back, stronger than ever. And the source of him was a stranger standing in front of me, waiting. A boy who had just started work the day before. Waiting for what? What do you go home to? A girl? Is she pretty? Will she break your heart too? And hers as well? Probably not. You don't look like him. You don't talk like him. Get away from me. Wait, can I bury my head in your chest for just a minute? Or forever? Nothing. I will spend the rest of my work days avoiding this boy and wishing to forget all these things I can remember so well.

Current Mood: awake

November 19th, 2009

01:01 am: It's been a long time.
My last update was pretty sincere but it's funny cause emotionally not much has changed. I'm happy...but I know what it's like to be euphorically happy and I'm not sure I will ever have that again. I still know Michael was my soul mate...but we weren't right for each other in other ways. I guess there is more than one soul mate for everyone, at least I'm hoping. You can tell me as many times as you want that Michael was not that for me but I have had MONTHS to reflect and it's true. But I still think I did a great job of moving on considering the pain that ran through me almost every day and still sometimes does.

I decided to update because something HAS changed! I am no longer numb. I have gone on many a dates and had a few casual relationships that I admittedly knew were going nowhere. I went on a date on Sunday and for the FIRST time since Michael...I was nervous. I had butterflies. I knew he wanted to hold my hand in the movie theater cause I could see him struggling with himself and he brushed his arm up against mine...just the thought made my hand hot and I got all queezy (in a good way)! Now, this whole thing still may go nowhere and that doesn't really bother me much at all...BUT I'm not numb anymore!! I feel like I can start liking someone now and that could lead to falling in love again...eventually. EXCITING. Phew, I thought it would never end.

Moving to Boston in January and I can't WAIT!!!!!! YAY for new beginnings. :)

Current Location: Haus of Burke
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: Olin & the Moon

April 19th, 2009

01:42 am: Time is honeys.
Dolla dolla bills y'all!

Seriously though, I'm single. It sucks a little but at the same time I was kind of craving this and maybe that's why everything went down the way it did. I would give anything to have Michael back but I'm not gonna lie, I like flirting with whoever I want and going on dates and getting fucking attention. It's amazing.

I know every girl goes through this stage when they are 16,17,18 years old but I never did so I'm regressing and enjoying the shit out of it...for now.

I'm really secretly hoping Michael and I will end up back together someday. He is my number one...forever. I still find myself breaking down into tears over it every so often. And I know it will become less and less. But I truly believe in my heart that there is no one better for me. I'm just going to make the best out of the situation at hand. That's what I'm good at.

Burke OUT!

Current Location: My room
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Current Music: On the Brightside - We Shot the Moon
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